Widow's Journal

A Dozen Years

bryna — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 05:12:56 +0000

Like eleven times before, tonight I lit a memorial candle commemorating the anniversary of the death of the man whose wedding ring sits in a little velvet bag next to mine in the safety deposit box.

Besides not enough photographs and a son, memories are all that’s left. Are they real memories or just how I choose to remember things? It’s all so vague. All that’s really clear is that twelve years is a long time; and yet, it’s just a moment in time.

I still miss him, I think. Yet, at times don’t even remember what being married feels like.

What I do know, is that there’s a hole in my heart where he used to be; and I’m grateful for whatever time we had together.

Rememberances of Grieving Past…

bryna — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 04:53:03 +0000

My mother died September 28th. She was 94. It was her time. I am only sorry the last months were such hard ones. It would have been easier for us both if she had just closed her eyes when the downward spiral began. It was hard to watch, not because she was my mother; but because every day I was losing her I was losing my husband again. I so didn’t want to do that; and yet I couldn’t make it stop.

For years after he died he was in front of my face. I couldn’t get him to move over. Then one day he did, only to reappear when something “big” was happening like our son getting married, or the birth of our first grandchild.Times when he should have been and would have loved to have been here to share them.

His “reappearance” this past summer reminded me how much grieving hurts. I had forgotten. I wasn’t prepared, even though I took the classes, conducted the groups and wrote the blog. Nothing prepared me for how much I hurt.

I am healing again. I am journaling again. I am doing the work again. It’s a process.

I have needed time alone to read, to watch videos, to stare into space and to sleep. I’m an “old timer” at this, yet I need to do all the steps all over again.

Hang in there. As I’ve often said, it’s better to feel you’ve lost them too soon, then to feel you stayed together too long.

Blessings.

Catching Up…

bryna — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 04:30:14 +0000

It has been a year since I’ve blogged. I could say I don’t know where the time has gone; but, I do. Much has happened. Some good. Some not so good. Let’s just say life has happened since last we “spoke.”I know you know how that feels.
A year ago at this time I was in school completing my coaching classes, facilitating a grief support group, compiling a book, writing to you and acquiring another business that was folded into the business that keeps food on the table. Life was full and all was well. Then…It became not quite as well. I learned you can’t be all things to all people. Something had to go. So I stopped writing. The one thing I do for my soul. Tell me we all make such regrettable mistakes.

Classes ended with one called, “Life’s Work & Purpose.” I discovered I am a “nurturer.” Seems everyone knew that before I did.

I found a replacement for the grief group, a woman who really loves doing it and has done the work which qualifies her to be there. Her style and focus is different from mine. The attendees are being nourished a la Ceil now, instead of Bryna.

My book was put aside, or rather put down under the desk where I work all day. I invite you to submit your stories, poems and/or thoughts to me. I do plan to finish it; and can’t do it without you.

Read the next blog for more..

Happy Holidays

bryna — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 02:11:39 +0000

Bryna,

Thank you for using your special gifts to help, support, comfort and care for those of us who have experienced loss. The Grief Support Group is certainly needed here. We all appreciate your mission….hope you know what a special person you are. I add you and the group to my list of many blessings.

Merry Christmas - Happy Holidays - Happy New Year!

Hugs,

P.A.

2007

How True…

bryna — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:31:44 +0000

“To admire,
To expand one’s self,
To forget the rut,
To have a sense of newness and life and hope,
is to feel young at any time of life.”
–Charles Horton Cooley

There Are Always Blessings…

bryna — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:32:12 +0000

In adversity, we can be the victim for all of 30 seconds; then it is time to put one foot in front of another and start going forward. Even in bad times, we have to stop and count our blessings.”
Rabbi Sally Olins
Temple Isaiah
Palm Springs, CA

And So It Is!

bryna — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 13:32:16 +0000

The next time you look into the mirror, just look at the way the ears rest next to the head;
look at the way the hairline grows; think of all the little bones in your wrist.
It is a miracle.” –

Martha Graham

Shared by a friend…

bryna — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 15:35:38 +0000

Posted Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007, at 7:34 AM ET

I unexpectedly lost my husband two and a half years ago. We were married 17 years and had a wonderful, happy marriage. I can honestly say that the only regret I have is that we didn’t have more time together. After several months of debilitating grief, I made the conscious decision to put my life back together and believe that I could be happy again. I know that’s what my late husband would have wanted. About a year after he died, I met a wonderful man by pure chance. We fell in love, and were married 22 months after my first husband’s death. Not all, but many of my family, friends, and co-workers are critical of this marriage. When I was the long-suffering widow, everyone was supportive and caring, but now that I have found happiness again, people say that I didn’t grieve properly and that I rushed into this relationship. One (former) friend even said that I was acting like my late husband never existed and she couldn’t be my friend anymore because, unlike me, she still loved him and missed him. I miss my late husband every day. I probably always will, but I have discovered that grief and happiness can co-exist. I am a 49-year-old professional woman. My husband makes more money and has a nicer home than me, so being taken advantage of isn’t the issue. Do these people have a valid point? How long is it proper to wait, and how do I handle it when people say these hurtful things?

—No Longer a Widow

Dear No Longer,
Thank you for your observation that grief and happiness can co-exist. How sad that some of those who should be most pleased for you have decided they know better than you how long you should mourn. In any case, meeting someone a year after your husband’s death and marrying two years later is well outside the limits of anything that should raise eyebrows. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. But since you are troubled by the comments of some friends and family members, tell them what you told me: that you will miss your late husband every day of the rest of your life, and that you know he would want for you—as you would have wanted for him—to find love again.

Update!

bryna — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 00:48:32 +0000

www.HeartToHeartCoaching.com has been launched.

Strength, A Definition…

bryna — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:12:07 +0000

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces –

Judith Viorst