Widow's Journal

Ask yourself these questions about 2011:

bryna — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:49:31 +0000

1. What was your biggest triumph?
2. What was the smartest decision you made?
3. What one word best sums up and describes your experience?
4. What was the greatest lesson you learned?
5. What was the most loving service you performed?
6. What is your biggest piece of unfinished business?
7. What are you most happy about completing?
8. Who were the three people who had the greatest impact on your life?
9. What was the biggest risk you took?
10. What was the biggest surprise?
11. What important relationship improved the most?
12. What compliment would you liked to have received?
13. What compliment would you liked to have given?
14. What else do you need to do or say to complete last year?

What is it that’s missed most?

bryna — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 23:51:38 +0000

I once had a conversation with a long time widow. We got to talking about what she missed most about her husband-and, what she didn’t miss at all. “His underwear,” she said. “I don’t miss his underwear! I was so tired of picking his underwear up off the floor.” I laughed. She laughed. It felt so good to laugh together.

Even widows (or widowers for that matter) who weren’t too crazy about their partners (and, yes! there are plenty of those!) miss something even if was just having someone else around.

Some miss the conversations. Some miss having a traveling companion. Some miss the “lovin’,” the emotional and oftentimes physical nourishment it provides.

All miss someone to share a meal with. There’s just something about eating alone that’s sad. Take some time and ask yourself, “What do I miss?” Then ask yourself what you don’t. My guess is this will give you a lot to think about. Make a list on both sides of the column.

Then stop, think and write down what you think your partner might miss about you…and maybe invite someone who’s lonely to share a meal with you.

Letting go. Moving on.

bryna — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 17:52:12 +0000

I met a widow yesterday. It’s been four years for her.

She lost not only her husband but her relationship with her son.

We talked about how that felt. Because her sadness was so evident, I shared with her the most important words I learned during my coach training, “Up until now.” Four very powerful syllables that mean if everything you’re doing “up until now” is working for you, keep doing what you’re doing. If “Up until now” it’s not, this is the moment in time to change it.

No one else can do it for you.

It takes courage. It’s all about taking one small step after another.

I know she can do it….

Loss is loss. No use comparing.

bryna — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:59:03 +0000

Two of my dear friends have lost their sons. At lunch one day we started talking about which is worse. Child or spouse. We decided that no loss is worse than another. It’s painful; and the healing is a journey one must must make for oneself.

Loss leaves a giant hole that cannot filled by something or someone else. It takes time to figure out how to put one foot in front of another…to find joy again. To smile.

We all agreed it was worth the effort.

We all agreed there is so much worth moving on for.

We all agreed we’re glad we did the work.

We all agreed having friends to share with mean so much.

Happy New Year 2011

bryna — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 21:36:58 +0000

Despite having so much to be excited about right now-wedding and all-I find myself with mixed feelings about bidding farewell to the past and the first person who loved me.

It’s not a feeling of disloyalty to him; but rather confusion. Do I still light a memorial candle on the anniversary of his passing? Am I supposed to visit the cemetery before I remarry? Is there a protocol? And, if I do those things, will it be disloyal to one I wed four weeks from today?

There is so much nobody tells you, I guess because it isn’t relevant until the occasion comes up. For this, I will do what feels right in the moment. After all isn’t “in the moment” how one fell in love in the first place?

I will figure it out. It’s one more thing for me to learn. I will learn, because I am open to the experience…which after all, is what life is all about.

Like the sweet, simple steps one takes after loss, I will give myself permission now to experience one more new thing after another in this cycle called “life goes on.”

A new beginning…

bryna — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 00:07:02 +0000

On the welcome page of Widow’s Journal” I wrote, “Every end has a new beginning,” followed by, “It really is true…” What I didn’t say, is that one never knows if or when that new beginning might be.

For me, after 14 years it is about to happen. I am getting married to a really great guy. I have been blessed a second time; only this time I know it from the beginning. Wisdom comes with age.
I had a really good marriage, so I know what it takes. The ingredients are trust, friendship, respect, love and a really good sense of humor-on the part of both partners.

I’ve learned that as old as one might be, one is young on the inside and still gets giddy with excitement at the thought of being a bride and having those closest to one’s heart in attendance to witness this celebration of life.

Enjoy your memories. They are your past.

Make the most of the present. Keep yourself open to possibility.

Look forward to the future.

A great new beginning may be there for you too.

A Dozen Years

bryna — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 05:12:56 +0000

Like eleven times before, tonight I lit a memorial candle commemorating the anniversary of the death of the man whose wedding ring sits in a little velvet bag next to mine in the safety deposit box.

Besides not enough photographs and a son, memories are all that’s left. Are they real memories or just how I choose to remember things? It’s all so vague. All that’s really clear is that twelve years is a long time; and yet, it’s just a moment in time.

I still miss him, I think. Yet, at times don’t even remember what being married feels like.

What I do know, is that there’s a hole in my heart where he used to be; and I’m grateful for whatever time we had together.

Rememberances of Grieving Past…

bryna — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 04:53:03 +0000

My mother died September 28th. She was 94. It was her time. I am only sorry the last months were such hard ones. It would have been easier for us both if she had just closed her eyes when the downward spiral began. It was hard to watch, not because she was my mother; but because every day I was losing her I was losing my husband again. I so didn’t want to do that; and yet I couldn’t make it stop.

For years after he died he was in front of my face. I couldn’t get him to move over. Then one day he did, only to reappear when something “big” was happening like our son getting married, or the birth of our first grandchild.Times when he should have been and would have loved to have been here to share them.

His “reappearance” this past summer reminded me how much grieving hurts. I had forgotten. I wasn’t prepared, even though I took the classes, conducted the groups and wrote the blog. Nothing prepared me for how much I hurt.

I am healing again. I am journaling again. I am doing the work again. It’s a process.

I have needed time alone to read, to watch videos, to stare into space and to sleep. I’m an “old timer” at this, yet I need to do all the steps all over again.

Hang in there. As I’ve often said, it’s better to feel you’ve lost them too soon, then to feel you stayed together too long.

Blessings.

Catching Up…

bryna — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 04:30:14 +0000

It has been a year since I’ve blogged. I could say I don’t know where the time has gone; but, I do. Much has happened. Some good. Some not so good. Let’s just say life has happened since last we “spoke.”I know you know how that feels.
A year ago at this time I was in school completing my coaching classes, facilitating a grief support group, compiling a book, writing to you and acquiring another business that was folded into the business that keeps food on the table. Life was full and all was well. Then…It became not quite as well. I learned you can’t be all things to all people. Something had to go. So I stopped writing. The one thing I do for my soul. Tell me we all make such regrettable mistakes.

Classes ended with one called, “Life’s Work & Purpose.” I discovered I am a “nurturer.” Seems everyone knew that before I did.

I found a replacement for the grief group, a woman who really loves doing it and has done the work which qualifies her to be there. Her style and focus is different from mine. The attendees are being nourished a la Ceil now, instead of Bryna.

My book was put aside, or rather put down under the desk where I work all day. I invite you to submit your stories, poems and/or thoughts to me. I do plan to finish it; and can’t do it without you.

Read the next blog for more..

Happy Holidays

bryna — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 02:11:39 +0000

Bryna,

Thank you for using your special gifts to help, support, comfort and care for those of us who have experienced loss. The Grief Support Group is certainly needed here. We all appreciate your mission….hope you know what a special person you are. I add you and the group to my list of many blessings.

Merry Christmas - Happy Holidays - Happy New Year!

Hugs,

P.A.

2007