Widow’s Journal » Uncategorized

January 7, 2009

A Dozen Years

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 9:12 pm

Like eleven times before, tonight I lit a memorial candle commemorating the anniversary of the death of the man whose wedding ring sits in a little velvet bag next to mine in the safety deposit box.

Besides not enough photographs and a son, memories are all that’s left. Are they real memories or just how I choose to remember things? It’s all so vague. All that’s really clear is that twelve years is a long time; and yet, it’s just a moment in time.

I still miss him, I think. Yet, at times don’t even remember what being married feels like.

What I do know, is that there’s a hole in my heart where he used to be; and I’m grateful for whatever time we had together.

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December 28, 2008

Rememberances of Grieving Past…

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 8:53 pm

My mother died September 28th. She was 94. It was her time. I am only sorry the last months were such hard ones. It would have been easier for us both if she had just closed her eyes when the downward spiral began. It was hard to watch, not because she was my mother; but because every day I was losing her I was losing my husband again. I so didn’t want to do that; and yet I couldn’t make it stop.

For years after he died he was in front of my face. I couldn’t get him to move over. Then one day he did, only to reappear when something “big” was happening like our son getting married, or the birth of our first grandchild.Times when he should have been and would have loved to have been here to share them.

His “reappearance” this past summer reminded me how much grieving hurts. I had forgotten. I wasn’t prepared, even though I took the classes, conducted the groups and wrote the blog. Nothing prepared me for how much I hurt.

I am healing again. I am journaling again. I am doing the work again. It’s a process.

I have needed time alone to read, to watch videos, to stare into space and to sleep. I’m an “old timer” at this, yet I need to do all the steps all over again.

Hang in there. As I’ve often said, it’s better to feel you’ve lost them too soon, then to feel you stayed together too long.

Blessings.

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Catching Up…

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 8:30 pm

It has been a year since I’ve blogged. I could say I don’t know where the time has gone; but, I do. Much has happened. Some good. Some not so good. Let’s just say life has happened since last we “spoke.”I know you know how that feels.
A year ago at this time I was in school completing my coaching classes, facilitating a grief support group, compiling a book, writing to you and acquiring another business that was folded into the business that keeps food on the table. Life was full and all was well. Then…It became not quite as well. I learned you can’t be all things to all people. Something had to go. So I stopped writing. The one thing I do for my soul. Tell me we all make such regrettable mistakes.

Classes ended with one called, “Life’s Work & Purpose.” I discovered I am a “nurturer.” Seems everyone knew that before I did.

I found a replacement for the grief group, a woman who really loves doing it and has done the work which qualifies her to be there. Her style and focus is different from mine. The attendees are being nourished a la Ceil now, instead of Bryna.

My book was put aside, or rather put down under the desk where I work all day. I invite you to submit your stories, poems and/or thoughts to me. I do plan to finish it; and can’t do it without you.

Read the next blog for more..

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January 15, 2007

Synchronicity

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 6:47 am

As defined by Mr. Webster, synchronicity means “events that appear to be connected.”

To that end, what appeared in my e-mail the morning after the Grief Support Group, but a wonderful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt…

“A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”

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January 12, 2007

Grief Support Group

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 1:48 pm

How blessed I am to have been selected as the new facilitator of the Grief Support Group in my community.Yesterday was our first meeting.

I am privileged to have sat in the presence of 22 very courageous women, who felt comfortable enough to share their hearts, tears and hopes in what I hope is a safe place for them. We all (myself included) had really good, love-filled marriages, so I felt comfortable sharing my “mantra” with them…

“It is far better to feel that you lost him too soon; then to feel you were with him too long.”

No matter how long or short it lasts, love is a wonderful thing to have had in one’s life.

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January 8, 2007

On a Personal Note

Filed under: Uncategorized — bryna @ 7:07 am

Today, January 8th is the anniversary of my husband’s passing.
Ten years.
A decade.
A long, long time…

Although “being married” seems surreal to me now, I know it happened. I have my wedding band neatly tucked away in a safety deposit box, and lots of photographs depicting our almost 29 years together to prove it. What I don’t have is the man I loved & who loved me “even more than that!”

Time has healed a lot, and days actually pass when I don’t think about him (much.) Yet, somehow my personal clock knows when it’s January 8th & I go into a tailspin. How long will it take for the ache in me to completely go away?

The good news is I know tomorrow will be better… January 9th is just another day with no significance.

I was so blessed to be his wife.

Bryna

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January 7, 2009

A Dozen Years

December 28, 2008

Rememberances of Grieving Past…

Catching Up…

January 15, 2007

Synchronicity

January 12, 2007

Grief Support Group

January 8, 2007

On a Personal Note

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